My Dad / Ravit's Story

Conversations with God

After 3 years of fighting cancer, my father decided to hospitalize himself in a hospice…
Hospitalize himself!!! Do you get it?
There is no such thing!
Usually, people go to a hospice when they are half dead, straight from a hospital bed…
He called me and said that he is in a pain clinic…
Well… whoever knows me well enough, knows that I live in my own bubble.
Who knew what a hospice is…?
I drove there, to see him …
"Ooh they live in style here", I said to myself like an idiot…
Lawns… volunteers… I didn’t believe we have such pain clinics here in Israel.
At night I got a phone call from Gila, his spouse.
"Ravit…" she asked me in a shaken voice..." Do you know what a hospice is?"
"No", I replied.
The truth is that up to that moment I didn't have a clue.
"It is the final station; he is going to die"
Silence!!!
I restrain myself not to burst into tears…It is not the time!!!
When the conversation was over, I started calling some friends…
They all had the same answer… yes, it is the final stop.
I called Haya.
"Haya…" I am in tears now… "Please come with me tomorrow… so that you can ask questions... It will be too hard for me"
The following morning Haya and I drove to the hospice to talk to the nurse…
We still can't believe it ... he probably got his way in by pulling some strings somewhere, my dad always kind of worked his way like that.
There is no way this is the end!!!
The nurse looks at us and smiles… not really answering any questions, she understands that we have no clue... her smile approves that indeed this is the last stop.
When I left the place, I had a very hard time believing…
I found out that dad was sick only when he went to have a "hemorrhoids surgery", that's what he called it.
When I arrived at the hospital, the nurse said "it was at a malignancy stage tumor already"... a nice word for cancer, I understood later.
"In a stage that is what exactly?" I asked innocently.
The only cancer I knew up until then is the one walking on the beach… and what little I knew…
I asked if it is a cancerous tumor or not.
When I sat at the Doctor's office, I got the most bitter news ever!!!
"He only has another half a year to live!!!"
I restrain myself from bursting into tears!!!
I sit there petrified!!! I can't hear anything anymore!!!
I just want to get out of there and cry and never stop!!!
My father is everything for me… my best friend... I have no one in this world… well, I have my mother but because she is ill, I can't count on her for support…
I come home, hold the bible, and pray to God… I have always had conversations with God without using the formal prayers.
"Please God… give me a clear answer… so that I don't have any doubt… I need an answer…otherwise I will fall apart!!"
I held the bible and opened it randomly… Isaiah verse 38:
"In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amos went to him and said,
"This is what god says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.”
Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to God, And God answered his prayers adding 15 years of life.
Isaiah had said, "Prepare a poultice of figs and apply it to the boil, and he will recover.”
I called Gila, my dad's spouse …
"Gila, you might find it surreal…"
Gila grew up in a Kibbutz, she had nothing to do with opening a bible, but I said to myself, it is worth trying…
I told her the story and she said without any hesitation; "of course we will try, we have nothing to lose".
All these years my dad fought the cancer, he hardly let me in on anything…
He used to come to my shop after chemotherapy and always said things are much better than they were.
He called the tumors, dots…
I realized just now what he was going through…
He wanted to protect me…
He was afraid to die and leave me in this world all alone…
He never complained about anything…
And I assume that when he couldn't take it anymore, he hospitalized himself in a hospice.
When I left the hospice, I went home and opened the bible again…
"God…please help me…Is this real?"
I held the bible and again, asked for an accurate answer…
When I opened it, it hit me…it is the end!!!
It was the end of the First Prophets book. It was there in big letters: "Let us grow stronger and stronger"
And in small letters "Bless the one who gives strength to the weak, and full power to the powerless"
That's it… I said to myself… there is no way that I will let him see me cry!!"
I sat beside him from noon until night every single day for a whole month.
I would put on my makeup, look pretty and happy… I kept an aura of optimism around him…
I didn't let anyone fall apart…
Not to myself either…
But when I drove home at night, I couldn't step on the gas…
I was so mentally tired…
Even today, when someone in front of me drives slowly, I don't rush them because maybe they are going through a hard time as well…
It was a tough time.
Everything collapsed. I had no one to get up for in the morning.
But after 6 months, when I asked him to send me my guy, he sent Eldad for me…